I am working hard to publish my journal and many of my social media entries in a one-volume book. It is so difficult for me to read these entries over and over again but I do it anyway. I truly believe that my experience will help at least one person in this world to find hope in the midst of their own suffering. I’ve decided to make one of my journal entries public so that you can get a taste of the content. Please continue to pray for me as I work to get this published. (Grammar mistakes have not been corrected in this journal entry)

9:44 PM

I have so many scars. I have felt for most of my life that I am a woman no one could ever be proud of. That no one could truly love me without strings attached. I laid next to my baby while she died. I didn’t lose it. I was strong. I told her exactly how I felt about her. I repeated what I had told her so many times over the years. “I love you. I am so proud to be your mom. You are so special to me. I love you.” I am proud of me. I am proud of the woman I have become. Despite my scars and bruises I am strong, brave, and true. And I showed this bravery to my darling girl as she breathed her last and her heart slowed to a stop. And I swear before God that I will continue to be this woman for all five of my children. For so long I have waited on those I love to lift me up. No more. They can choose what they will. I choose to be true to Christ. I choose to be brave. I choose to persevere with courage. I choose to love. 

Maggie, you were proud of me. You called me your hero. Thank you. I never saw it before but you were, and are, Jesus to me. I don’t know if you realize what you were doing but you loved me unconditionally. Even when I hurt you you always loved me. I will never forget that. I love you so deeply. I swear that I will spread your message of love and peace. I cannot do this if I am depressed. I will shake this. And I will be the woman God has called me to be. Jesus loves me as I am. He loves the broken me. The bruised me. The broken me. He only asks me to love Him back. With His help I will. O God, help me to truly show this love to my children and husband. 

Magdalene, I love you. I am so proud of you. I am so glad you are my daughter and you are so very special. I somehow have to figure out this new relationship with you. Do you remember when I would sing, “Would you go with me to the top of a mountain? Would you go with me to the bottom of the ocean?” Elizabeth would always sing, “Yes” and you would almost always sing to me, “Nooooo.” You were always nervous at the thought of scary things. You also wanted to live with me forever or at least near me but only in a tiny house. You said big houses were just too big and required too much work. I totally agree with you. I am sorry for the countless wasted hours trying to keep the house clean. I would do things so differently now. I’d spend so much more time with you. Now you are forever living away from me. I would go with you if I could. I followed you as far as I could go (teardrop on page). One day I will make the rest of the journey. (teardrop on page) I long for that day. I have only asked God to prolong it so that your sisters and brother can grow up. Once they are grown then maybe it will be my time. I can hear you singing, “Mom, would you go with me to Heaven?” And I say a resounding, “Yes!” 

My tears fall and splash on the page. May I long for Jesus the way I long for you. My God, the pain seems too great to bear. My Jesus, mercy. My heart is shattered. O, my God. Have mercy. Never have I wept so many bitter tears. O, my Maggie. I can never be the same again. My heart feels as though it will stop at any moment. How does it continue to beat? How is it that my body pushes forward? The answer is the overwhelming, reckless love of God. Jesus, You know my pain. Mary, you know the intensity of my suffering. I am suffering beyond words. I cannot fully describe it. How can I?

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