Did you know that we are currently working on publishing my private journal and Facebook entries? After several different friends reached out to me and asked if I could combine all of my social media posts into a book I decided that I would also publish much of my journal. These entries consist of the entire year after Maggie died. We are in the editing stage so have quite a way to go but we would like to begin to share journal excerpts with you. I won’t lie. It is nerve-wracking putting my private writings in front of the public eye but my prayer is that my suffering, and the hope I find in Jesus Christ, will somehow encourage you on whatever path you are currently traveling. Please pray for us as we undertake this endeavor. Please pray that through this journal Maggie’s mission might be made very clear.
Journal Entry 6/29/2018 9:29 AM
I came to morning Mass. What a blessing to have Jesus and Maggie so close to me. Since getting home four days ago I have felt this massive weight hovering over me. I want to cry all the time. My strength is failing me. I feel so weak. My heart physically aches. Every time I acknowledge the fact that Maggie has died I feel a shortness of breath but it takes place in my heart. How to recover from this deep loss? I do not know other than to go through it and beg God for mercy. I cannot weep all day long. I will die. I have to get through this especially for Nicaea’s sake. She moans Maggie’s name as she fades into sleep. I am devastated that I cannot take her suffering and make it my own. I can only hope and pray that she is not destroyed by losing her best friend. The days are so difficult now that she does not have a playmate. I feel a cloud of depression when I try to think about it. I just want her back. And I know how selfish that is. How is a mother to bear this? I am so deeply wounded that it feels mortal.
When driving home on Monday I drove Gabe’s new car for about an hour. It was the first time I have been totally alone since Maggie died. I felt this scream building up inside of me. When it came out I recognized it for what it was. I screamed like that when birthing my babies. It is a primal cry that simply takes over the whole being. It raged out of me over and over again until I was exhausted. This cry was not one of bringing a baby into the world but one of delivering a baby into that other dimension. The place I cannot go yet.
O, Lord, show me how to suffer with grace. Please. I do not want to despair. I feel almost driven to madness. My mind is frantic. I am in such great distress.