Many of you know that I am in the process of publishing my journal. It is the first year of my grief. It is raw. It is real. My first journal entry after losing my daughter was 16 days after she died.
Journal Entry - 5/22/2018 at 6:26 pm
You are Holy. You are Worthy. I praise Your name. When I stumble in the darkness You are there to rescue me. How I love You. When blessings shower down I will glorify You. When my heart is broken into pieces yet will I praise You. I lift my hands in honor of Your great Name. I don’t feel strong enough for this journey. I am so weak. So broken. My heart will never be the same again. I have no idea how I am supposed to get through life without my Mags. She is such a big part of my day. I know that if I live until I’m an old woman…(ended here due to an interruption likely from one of the children)
"Learning to be a man by myself meant that there was never a year of Magdalene’s life where I was the best father. She was born the daughter of a man who grew into fatherhood only through much trial and error." #MagdaleneThérèse #JoyfulLikeMaggie #griefjourney #childloss
I was working full time as a cashier and stocker at a liquor store. It was the first time in four years that I had held a job for more than a few months. I was getting ready to quit my second attempt at college after having accumulated a shameful amount of debt. And, having just turned 25, I was now...
I was listening to Fr. Mike Schmitz the other day and something he said really resounded with me. "Nothing given to God is ever wasted." What a beautiful relief. I can give God my sorrow, agony, joy, and even child and these will never be wasted. There is a reason for everything we go through. We may not fully comprehend the reason but we can be assured that none of our sufferings are in vain.
My prayer today is that you and I both have the grace and strength to remind ourselves that today is part of our story and it will be used to help those around us.
What is it like? Many hovering on the edge of death have come back to life and spoken only of how difficult it was to come back and how much they wanted to cross over. It is reported that St. Catherine of Siena turned her face to the wall and wept for days and none could comfort her. This leaves us wondering, and trying to understand, what this pattern of hello-goodbye-hello(thank you Joyce Rupp for this beautiful description of life and death) looks like. What is the experience like? What will be seen? What will be felt? So many questions as we each face the reality of this hello-goodbye-hello pattern for both ourselves and our children. We can imagine the glory, and beauty, and joy. But until we experience it for ourselves we cannot truly say what this experience will feel like.
For now, I stand on the edge looking into the beyond and I wonder and I strive to make myself ready for the day that I experience this pattern for myself.