The thing about child loss is that the child never, ever leaves your mind. Every day you are reminded in a million different ways that your child is no longer here. Every day roars at you like the most intense ocean wave, "No more hugs. No more kisses. No more giggles. No more laughter. No more. No more. No more. No more..." And then a million different times a day the tide rolls in calmly with the gentlest of ocean waves and it says, "Peace. Be still. He is on the throne. You cannot understand this right now. All is well. She is safe. She is loved. She is perfectly happy. She is ok. Carry on her mission." And the weary parent drags his exhausted body up from the floor, wipes away the tears on his cheeks though they shine bright in his eyes, and he pushes forward. Ever forward.
I hit "play" on the Matt Maher playlist and the very first song that comes up is Lord, I Need You. I stop where I am and allow the feelings and thoughts and emotions to come flooding through. I remember. I remember your beautiful face as you said, "Mom, whenever I sing Lord, I Need You it makes me feel so much better." I remember you crying out, "Mommy" and falling back on the bed in a seizure. I remember looking into your eyes and telling you that Jesus was with you. That mommy was there. Not to be afraid. I remember standing by your side and singing, "Lord, I need You, Oh, I need you" over and over again. I remember wishing I had the verses memorized but I kept singing knowing that the chorus would bring you courage and strength. Little did I know that I was preparing you for your last and final journey to the Great Beyond. I remember holding you and weeping as you died in my arms. I remember Lord, I Need You being sung as I birthed you into Eternal Life. Oh, I remember! And my heart aches and my eyes fill with tears and my throat burns with unspent emotion. And I remember that I could not sing this beautiful song after you died because the words would not come. And then, 6 weeks later, I had an experience with Jesus in the Eucharist and I KNEW you were there with Him which meant you were with me. And that very weekend Lord, I Need You was played during the Mass and I lifted my hands to Heaven as I wept and sang along in the very presence of Jesus Himself.
Lord, I need You.
Maggie, thank you for showing the world how to die as a Christian. As a Catholic. Let no one ever say that the Holy Spirit is not present in the Catholic Church. He moves in a mighty way and darling girl you show that every single day. Despite any who believed you were not a Christian because of your Catholicism you showed them how Christians die. With hope. With love. With joy. With peace. Jesus calls each of us through your missionary witness. I am so happy you are my daughter. I am so glad I am your mom. I am so proud of you.
Come to the altar. The Father's arms are open wide! Forgiveness was bought with the precious blood of Jesus Christ. * The faith has been passed on to you through the blood of the martyrs and the lives of little girls in hospital rooms and their grieving parents. Don't waste what God is offering you. You are called by Name. Come to the altar. Allow my daughter to show you what it means to live a faith-filled and joyful life.